My reflections on building lasting loving relationships By Prof Arun Sehgal. (We all want to make money in life but in the process lose our relationships which money can never buy).
The nature of love has been a topic of profound discussion across various cultures and eras.
Often, romantic love is misconceived as a means to fulfill personal emotional, physical, spiritual, or behavioral expectations.
This type of conditional love, while common, is typically unsustainable. True love, on the other hand, is built on acceptance, freedom, mutual respect, and a personal commitment to self-improvement, which collectively foster lasting relationships. At its core, love that hinges on meeting specific expectations is inherently fragile.
When individuals enter relationships with the expectation that their partner will meet all their emotional needs, satisfy all physical desires, or align perfectly with their spiritual or behavioral ideals, they set the stage for disappointment and conflict. Such expectations create a conditional environment where love is contingent upon the fulfillment of these criteria.
As psychologist Carl Rogers suggested, conditional positive regard can lead to an unstable sense of self-worth and can undermine the foundation of any relationship. When the conditions are unmet, dissatisfaction ensues, often leading to the relationship's deterioration.
True love transcends these conditions. It is characterized by acceptance, where individuals embrace each other's strengths and imperfections. This acceptance does not imply a passive tolerance of negative behavior but rather a compassionate acknowledgment of the human condition.
As the Buddhist philosophy of loving-kindness (metta) teaches, genuine love involves an unconditional wish for the well-being and happiness of the other person. This form of love is patient and forgiving, recognizing that both partners are on their own unique journeys.
Freedom within a relationship is another critical component of true love. This freedom is not about independence from the relationship but about allowing each partner the space to grow and evolve.
Renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel emphasizes that maintaining a balance between intimacy and autonomy is essential for sustaining desire and connection in long-term relationships. True love does not seek to control or constrain but supports each partner's individual growth and self-discovery.
Mutual respect is the bedrock of any lasting relationship. It involves recognizing and valuing each other’s perspectives, feelings, and contributions. Respect fosters a sense of equality and partnership, where decisions and conflicts are navigated with fairness and consideration.
The principle of mutual respect aligns with Martin Buber's concept of the "I-Thou" relationship, where individuals engage with each other with deep respect and authenticity, as opposed to the "I-It" relationship, which is more utilitarian and objectifying. Central to the endurance of true love is the continuous journey of self-exploration and self-improvement.
When individuals commit to becoming better versions of themselves, they contribute positively to their relationship and to the lives of those around them. This personal growth is not about perfection but about progress. As one becomes more self-aware and emotionally intelligent, they can better understand and meet their partner’s needs, creating a nurturing and supportive environment.
By focusing on personal growth, individuals can break the cycle of conditional love and build relationships founded on true love. This commitment to self-improvement benefits the relationship and extends to positively impact the broader social network, fostering a ripple effect of positive change and genuine connection.
In conclusion, love that is predicated on meeting specific expectations is often unsustainable. True love, characterized by acceptance, freedom, mutual respect, and a commitment to self-improvement, lays the foundation for lasting and fulfilling relationships. By embracing these principles, individuals can cultivate love that not only endures but also enriches the lives of all involved. Relationships are very fragile and invaluable. Money cannot buy love but we need loving relationships in our lives to build our capability to create abundance.
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